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TEA
the trouble with tea is that originally it was quite a good drink. So a
group of the most eminent British scientists put their heads together, and
made complicated biological experiments to find a way of spoiling it. To the
eternal glory of British science their labour bore fruit. They suggested
that if you do not drink it clear, or with lemon or rum and sugar, but pour
a few drops of cold milk into it, and no sugar at all, the desired object is
achieved. Once this refreshing, aromatic, oriental beverage was successfully
transformed into colourless and tasteless gargling-water, it suddenly became
the national drink of Great Britain and Ireland - still retaining, indeed
usurping, the high-sounding title of tea. There are some occasions when you
must not refuse a cup of tea, otherwise you are judged an exotic and
barbarous bird without any hope of ever being able to take your place in
civilised society. If you are invited to an English home, at five o'clock in
the morning you get a cup of tea. It is either brought in by a heartily
smiling hostess or an almost malevolently silent maid. When you are
disturbed in your sweetest morning sleep you must not say: 'Madame (or
Mabel), I think you are a cruel, spiteful and malignant person who deserves
to be shot.' On the contrary, you have to declare with your best five
o'clock smile: 'Thank you so much. I do adore a cup of early morning tea,
especially early in the morning.' If they leave you alone with the liquid,
you may pour it down the washbasin.
Then you have tea for breakfast; then you have tea at eleven o'clock in
the morning; then after lunch; then you have tea for tea; then after supper;
and again at eleven o'clock at night.